HOW TO GATECRASH VANITY FAIR’S OSCAR BASH

On February 22 the only thing more hunted than a ticket to the Oscars, is a ticket to the After-show. Non are hotter in tinsel-town than Vanity Fair’s £1million bash. Not even an A-lister is guaranteed entry by the team who run the military tight operation.

British journalist Toby Young worked for three years at Vanity Fair and wrote about the madness of the party in How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, now a Hollywood film. He said the planning team “comprises several hundred people: construction and video companies, florists, on-site seamstresses, the restaurant staff and private security personnel”. Here are ways you can fool all of them:

OLD FAITHFUL

Find a movie star that looks uncannily like you. Austin Powers judo-chop them unconscious. Ankle-drag the body into an empty room. Steal tuxedo/dress and take the invitation from the inside pocket/purse - It happens all the time in Hollywood, so why not tonight?

LAY DOWN THE LAW

The only ever non-celebrity to successfully gatecrash the party was a journalist in 1996 who turned up with a pig on a leash, declaring it was the pig from Babe, a Best Picture nominee - the man sailed past security. 2009’s Oscars probably wont feature the much underrated Underdog or masterpiece Firehouse Dog, so take a plank of wood and claim its Jude Law.

JEDI MIND TRICK

(Start hand-wave) You will use this tactic. (End hand-wave)

PICK UP A PEN

Last years writers’ strike almost cancelled the Oscars. Vanity Fair couldn’t risk spending £1 million on their party so cancelled it. Grab a pen - most writers have them – and before the ceremony begins, stroll up to the party with a picket-starting placard and demand entry or you’ll take your one-man-band-besiege to the Kodak theatre. The doorman might not take this threat seriously nor your writing prowess, so take the pen and stab it in his eye.

BE RUTHLESS

Toby Young’s memoirs dished all the dirt there is on the magazine, so blackmail’s out of the question. A person once offered $300,000 for a ticket and was flatly denied – so put your piggybank down, they can’t be bought. The only ruthless angle here is kidnap. For legal reasons you’ll have to decide who to kidnap.

DUTCH COURAGE

Don’t dress up as a waiter, its too cliché. Instead hide in the container that exports Dutch tulips from Holland to the event in L.A, and everything will come up roses (speaking of clichés…taxi).

JUST SAY NO

As Toby Young put it: "It's not who you say 'yes' to, it's who you say 'no' to.” Shout it loud.

WIN AN OSCAR

Ok so there’s not much time to do it in, but it wouldn’t harm your chances.

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