We’ve not seen where all of our friends work (unless that’s your job). In fact, some people tend to think it’s nice to keep the mystery. You know, imagining what your pals are up to in that 9-5 mode. My friend Rob works in a Dementia Clinic, in Leeds. I like to think an old man named McGyver wears a tartan dressing and wanders around the clinic with one of those metal poles with some fluids attached calling my friend Rob, Bob while Rob smiles to himself, saying “Ah Mr M, you still got it”. I told Rob it would be interesting if you were the receptionist at the dementia clinic as you don’t have to remember any appointments. You can make them up! Because the people you’re giving them to will forget it anyway. And if they don’t, who are the bosses going to believe, a receptionist or a potential dementia case? You’d unknowingly be doing the clinic a favour.
This got me thinking about jobs in general. We have the Job Centre. The Job Centre Plus. The advert where Max Beasley shouts about a job recruitment centre that I can’t remember the name of but don’t want to as I like the irony of not remembering what he said but rather how silly his shouting was. Anyway it’s all very modern now but living Up North, every so often people talk about THE PITS (spoken loudly so that everyone knows you mined for coal and are therefore a real man who has gravy on everything and homosexual on nothing). But those days are long gone - men are called guys and call each other man in an American way, use hair straighteners and apply for jobs on a computer. But I can bring the pits back! THE PITS BACK! There are other types of pit jobs available that wouldn’t need a budgie or ambulance on standby either….
PIT CREW (for a Formula One team) – I wouldn’t mind the paycheque obviously, these greasers earn megabucks. I’d join McLaren, as they aren’t doing so well at the moment so are probably recruiting. And what a job, you only mess with a car for a second and then it’s gone, two times an hour if that. But I’d take it to a new level, to show my worth. Crews all look the same when they’re in sponsored suits and shiny helmets. So I’d lose the helmet, put on a suit, some nice loafers and when Hamilton or whoever pulls up, I’ll keep him there for a while, attract some cameras over, handkerchief and good-old-fashioned breath the onboard camera, so McLaren see how good I am. Kwick-Fit are branded so for their quick fitting but are famed for their openness. They leave their cars on view, showing off their mechanics ‘mad-skillz’. I’d want to adapt this mentality and even chuck in one of those pinecone fresheners now and again.
PIT BOSS – If Manchester gets a Super Casino it’ll create thousands of jobs, but Pit Boss is the top job - a name that mixes the words pit (like pitbull terrier) and boss. Surely the most menacing job title ever spoke of. You don’t need to go for an interview, you just drop off your CV with a pair of die that have been set on fire along with a deck of cards in which the joker’s been bummed. But more than that, you have to be a wily fox of a man who knows when someone’s been cheating. You’ve seen Rain Man two thousand times and had a director’s cut made especially for you where Hoffman was literally cut in half for his smart-arse antics. But Casino is you’re favourite film. You’ve actually put someone’s head in a vice and have experience dealing with loan sharks. Come to think of it, Manchester is a hotbed of potential candidates.
BRAD PITTS BABYSITTER – How hard can it be? He’s covered in kids; he and Angelina are running orphanages out of business. These shacks can’t keep up with the standing order from the Hollywood lovers. So if one went missing I doubt Pitt or his wife would even notice. My main reason for getting the kids away is that I’ve watched the movie Mr and Mrs Smith. Not for the frivolous gunplay as that was just acting of course! But in case the couple ever put the DVD on, it’d ruin a young life before it’s even got going.
