Cage The Elvis

Why does Nicolas Cage talk like Elvis? Is he in love? Is that the reason he married the King’s daughter Lisa Marie? Did they divorce because he made her dress her up like her dad? Can we even say he isn’t Elvis - the man’s still releasing records? But then that would mean Elvis married his daughter, but as ludicrous as the plotline of his recent National Treasure franchise - something so silly it’s a Disney Da Vinci Code – it’s possible.

I mean, Cage changed his name so he could get into acting without the influence of his Uncle Francis Ford Coppola (even though he got his first recognised role in his Uncle’s Rumblefish). So what do you name yourself after if you’re trying not to hide an ego? A fucking superhero. Cartoonists sketched skilled street fighting muscleman Luke Cage to explore comic blaxploitation. He failed playing a comic book hero in Ghostrider, and didn’t even get chance to play Superman in Tim Burtons famed script that was tossed into development hell. Is it any wonder Cage once swapped faces with John Travolta? The man doesn’t know who he is.

For every good role – directors like Scorsese have coaxed some brilliant performances from him– there are some ghastly ones: Gone In Sixty Seconds. Most people left the cinema within ten seconds, not that Cage would care; he got 20 million for that wreckage.

I scratched my head trying to think what Elvis and Cage have in common, other than seeing Lisa Marie naked (I giggled a bit), but then realised… they spend all their time in Vegas. While the elder crooned the circuit, Cage’s back catalogue mainly takes place in Sin City: Honeymoon in Vegas, Leaving Las Vegas, Next, Snake Eyes, Wild at Heart, the finale of Con Air.

I will investigate further and solve perhaps the world's most important conspiracy theory.... or maybe I'll go find John Travolta and say "HEY JOHNNY, WHY YOU MAKING SHIT FILMS AGAIN YOU SCIENTOLOGY LOVING SONOFABITCH"

JINGLE ALL THE WAY

Remember when Arnold Swarchenegger was in that Christmas movie and his little mushroom haircutted son wanted a Turbo Man? And what the big man had to go through to get it? That’s right. A lot! Bombs, pissed off reindeers, mafia Santa Clause’s, all for the love of a little brat actor who’d go on to star as baby Darth Vader in the worst thing to happen to Star Wars since the Death Star blew up.

Last week many Americans knew how the Governator felt as Black Friday (Opening day of the Christmas sales) happened.

During the day two people were shot dead in a Toys “R” Us store, located in Palm Desert, California. Police say it “may be gang related”, but that means it also “may” be over a colouring book.

Earlier at 5am, a Wal-Mart in Long Island, New York, swung its doors open to a crowd of eager customers, but one door jammed. Employee Jdimytai Damour went to open the door and hundreds of people stampeded over him and “stepped over his body as they rushed for cut-price vacuum cleaners and DVDs” as one paper put it.

“They pushed him down and walked all over him,” sobbed Damour’s sister, Danielle. “How could they do that?” Well Danielle, you could blame the economic crisis, Wal-mart’s capitalist gains, or heck - Joe the Carpenter who installed the door. Don’t. Instead blame the children.

That’s the only reason technology keeps changing - kids want more. Scientists would have stopped at the colour TV - OK I wouldn’t be blogging right now – and they would of went playing golf and actually getting laid. Like Karl Pilkington said “We've invented most of the stuff that we need and now we're just messing about”

I think children today don’t give a monkeys about their actions. I mean we look after them and they don’t even pay us. I don’t have a child, and I don’t want one, but everyone else should go on strike to see what they do. I’m not saying adults will get a pay rise but as kids stick it to the man so much, it’ll be nice to turn the (Fisherprice©) tables.

Even better. Don’t teach them to talk. That’s what we’ve been doing wrong, we are literally giving them ammo, and if America taught us anything last week - that's a dangerous thing to have.