Recession? What Recession?

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for a massive waterslide in the middle of a sunny city. It’s great for stopping pollution while the council gets to create new jobs ( the man at the top of it who says when you can go). The ad had premise. After all, you can swipe a Barclaycard to pay for your goods as above the counter you throttle down in that slipperiest of tubes…. But Barclays seem to have it in their heads that people want ‘life to flow better’. Well balls to that. Who’s going to collect my shopping as I slide away? If it’s home delivered, I could have done it on the Internet. Barclays should know that men like waterslides more than they will ever know, but don’t patronize us. We know when we want a good speedy splash and when we want to shop for groceries. Have they never seen an Erotic thriller? Rule one - never mix business with pleasure.

If that’s bad, then their latest advert takes the Michael Owen (for his crisp adverts of course). This guy is on some sorts of super crutches, obviously M&S branded, as they’re not just any injury-supporter, they’re aerodynamic, super-skilled crutches. But even with a supposed handicap he spins around on them like nobody’s business. But wait, what’s that? If you look closely he puts weight on both feet. Ah-ha, benefit fraud, right under our noses. It blows the mind how anyone can do this during a full-blown recession.

Forget Robert Peston (for now). Lets get one thing right. Nobody knows why there’s a recession. What, all of a sudden the cosy financial stability of every bank just collapses? If a debt filled borrowing-happy nation really is to blame, then why did it happen overnight? Couldn’t we have just gone on oblivious?

In The Matrix, Neo was offered a blue pill and a red pill. He took the one that turned his desk job into a world where he lived in a gooey pod and as an escapee would live on a ship with Joe Pantoliano (and no-one wants that). Drugs are really bad. Neo didn’t have to take a pill; it just would’ve been an awkward shuffled exit for Morpheus and co. But where’s our pill? Gordon Brown should of offered every Briton a vote – red, you live in a debt ridden yet happy society, blue, you have to put up with 20% of all newspapers and television news talking about economics, people you don’t know getting sacked, – but they are - going to Orange Wednesdays to afford the cinema, shopping at Aldi and Robert fucking Peston. Personally I think he’s the master saboteur. He’s the only one who’s come out of this for the better. Also, if you play his broadcasts backwards, he confirms he is the apocalypse in the shape of a moron.

If I wasn’t a member of Barclays with a maxed Barclaycard, an unpaid student loan and 8k-career development loan with the bank, well into the dark side of my overdraft, I for one would be outraged.