GRANITE THEFT AUTO

Having taken History at GCSE level I am qualified to say that the smudging of dirt to read: ‘CLEAN ME’ on cars goes back to the 14^th century. I didn’t turn up for most of the A-level classes so I can offer no explanation how or why this happened. But it did.

On the march between train stations in Wigan last month (just over the road if your wondering) I saw the back of a passing van had OUTTATIME written in a big mud font (it’s the licence plate on The Dolorean from Back to the Future). I was smitten with some early morning 80s movie referencing.

Walking in the same town the following week I noticed a van had flames on its side. The driver was in little danger as someone had sketched them with a digit or two. All it needed was a coat of Tom-Cruise-Days-of-Thunder advertising and racing stripes to finish the job. I was delighted for the man inside, who probably didn’t even know.

I took the two offences as coincidence thinking it’s perhaps a Wigan thing. After all, it’s an industrial Northern town that’s proud of its smoggy roots and celebrated dirt-collecting history.

But today…my jaw literally didn’t hit the floor (as that is impossible). I saw again in Wigan, a van with a spacehopper - complete with eyes – etched on its back end. Now I couldn’t ignore the truth anymore, I had to admit that there is a muddy Banksy running around Greater Manchester.

I know it sounds crazy but I think ‘Manksy’ is highlighting rising pollution levels that cause the world harm. He’s an eco fighter with Michael J Fox referencing and what’s more? He’s moved up a level. The spacehopper had detail in the eye that a thumb could never pass off. Manksy fingernails have dug new ground and we need him in our lives.

Ok so I’m essentially saying we need more criminals, but this is a fun crime, and they’re usually ok, it’s one step ahead of throwing pic’n’mix at strangers but doesn’t cross the line into happy-slapping territory - undoubtedly the cause of Broken Britain.

Hold on to your hats, I’m going to coin a phrase to help boost the profile of this rogue vigilante Manksy - ‘Granite Theft Auto’. I’ve submitted it on Urban Dictionary so it’s too late to stop me. Currently it sits in the lap of the moderators. Like Batman, Manksy needs to be hounded by the police so people will know environmental risks. WARNING: Do not attempt to copycat this urban hero. Greater Manchester doesn’t need have-a-go-Citroen Picasso Picasso’s.